A New Way to Understand Why You Can Want Something Badly and Still Not Go After It
If you’re in the psychology and self-help space long enough, you’re sure you’ve come across a number of models designed to explain human behavior.
Many of them come in the form of a matrix or two-axis model that attempts to show why people behave the way they do.
For example, there’s the DISC model, which looks at whether someone is task or people-focused, and whether they tend to be assertive or reserved.
Attachment styles look at different values - high versus low anxiety about relationships, and high versus low avoidance to emotional closeness.
You can find similar models throughout psychology, communication, leadership, motivation, and even productivity.
I’ve always found these models useful because they take something complicated and organize it in a way that’s easier to understand.
Human behavior is rarely caused by any one thing
In other words, two people can behave exactly the same way, but have completely different reasons for doing it.
One person may avoid a project because they don’t care about it.
Another person may avoid the same project even though they desperately want to complete it.
From the outside, both people are procrastinating. On a closer look, however, it’s for different reasons.
This distinction became increasingly important to me
Especially as I spent years understanding motivation, procrastination, self-sabotage, and a concept I call Internal Resistance that brings all of this together.
Through this, I’ve come to develop a matrix that explains why you do what you do, and more importantly, why you can’t seem to do what you desire most in life.
It also explains why it’s so easy for some people to do some things, yet difficult for you.
Wants and Resistance
The part of the brain that creates wants works separately from the part that allows us to go after them.
So, you have one part of your brain creating wants and a completely different part that gives the green light to act on that want.
Most of our behaviors can be explained through these two dimensions:
1. How much a person wants something.
2. How much resistance the person has to doing it.
Those two values create the following four-quadrant model:
On the top, or x-axis, we have Resistance.
The represents the internal force holding the person back from the behavior - from low friction to strongly resisting taking action.
On the side, or y-axis, we have Wants.
This represents how strongly a person wants something. At one end is low interest, to the other end is high interest.
Putting these two dimensions together gives us four unique behavioral states.
1. High Want + Low Resistance
This is the easiest state to understand.
A person wants an outcome and there is relatively little that keeps them from pursuing it.
The person may still encounter obstacles, but those obstacles don’t derail or affect them. Often, they don’t even notice them.
People in this quadrant are your Type-A or go-getters personalities.
They can go from want to action to outcome with little strain in between.
If they want to study, they study.
If they want to exercise, they exercise.
If they want to start a business, they start a business.
They don’t experience the inner turmoil many of us do when doing things.
These are the type of people that make success look easy, as if they have some special power and ability.
It’s not that they have a special power or ability, it’s just that they don’t have resistance.
2. High Want + High Resistance
This is where behavior becomes much more interesting.
People in this quadrant genuinely want an outcome, but you wouldn’t know it as they rarely achieve it. If they do achieve it, they often experience a lot of inner turmoil and strain.
They want to study, but procrastinate.
They want to exercise, but repeatedly abandon the habits.
They want to start a business, but keep finding reasons to delay it.
This state is often mistaken for laziness or lack of motivation because the person doesn’t show much momentum or progress, or the momentum or progress is unnecessarily slow.
They want the outcome just as badly as anyone else, but their resistance keeps them from taking the actions required to get it.
They are simultaneously moving toward something and pulling back from it.
In effect, they take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back.
For such people, more motivation and encouragement only make things worse.
If someone already strongly wants the outcome, giving them more reasons to want it just makes their resistance stronger.
In my experience, people who have eating, obsessive-compulsive, and other disorder labels tend to fall into this quadrant.
They have a strong desire for something, but because resistance is so high, their mind will do anything to keep them from going after it, even if it means creating problems, keeping them sick, and more.
From working with such people, I’ve found that when we can release the intensity of their want, the intensity of their resistance goes down, as well as the effects of the disorder.
3. Low Want + Low Resistance
This quadrant creates less internal conflict because there isn’t much desire in the first place.
Since there is also less resistance, when a want does arise, they don’t hesitate to go after it.
For example, a person may want to write a book.
They don’t have anything against writing a book.
They are not afraid of what people will think if they do.
More importantly, they are not secretly sabotaging their efforts.
So, they can write a book.
Even more, if something doesn’t turn out the way they wanted or hoped, because their want wasn’t so high, it’s not as big of a deal.
People in this quadrant tend to be happier, less stressed, and more at ease.
4. Low Want + High Resistance
The final quadrant describes the person who does not particularly want to do something and also experiences high resistance to doing it.
People in this quadrant are your couch potatoes.
They don’t have much desire to do much, and even when they do, resistance is so high for them that they can’t do it.
As a result, they end up sitting on the couch.
For such people, it’s easier to experience the world through television, movies, and living through other people rather than doing things themselves.
I would go as far as to say the majority of the homeless on the streets are in this quadrant.
There’s not much desire to take care of themselves, and even if it comes up, there’s just too much resistance to do it. So their lives fall by the wayside.
Why This Model Works
One of my clients once said, there are enough people looking for healing and growth that there is no competition.
I couldn’t agree more, and I have gained a lot from their work.
The reason I find this model useful is that desire and resistance are often treated as opposite ends of the same scale.
We assume that if someone is not taking action, they must not want the outcome badly enough.
But that does not match how people actually experience behavior.
One can desperately want something, and at the same time, resist it.
The Same Behavior Can Come From Different Quadrants
Imagine four students who have been asked to finish their writing assignment.
The first person wants to write it and feels little resistance. They just don’t have the time as other wants are keeping them busy.
The second desperately wants to write it, but experiences strong resistance whenever they sit down.
The third likes the idea of completing the assignment, but doesn’t care enough to make it a priority.
The fourth does not really want to write it at all and even experiences resistance from the pressure to do so.
All four people can say, “I haven’t started the assignment,” but for four entirely different psychological reasons.
Giving all four people the same advice makes little sense.
The first needs help prioritizing which want to pursue.
The second needs help understanding what’s causing their resistance.
The third may need to decide whether it matters enough to pursue.
The Same Person Can Be in All 4 Quadrants
Unlike other models, where a person is either this or that, with this model, the behavior is much more task, activity, or goal dependent.
This means a person can have high want and little resistance to starting a business, but low want and high resistance to lifting weights.
Or a person can have a low want and low resistance to dating, but low want and high resistance to being in a relationship.
The response shows up differently depending on the task, behavior, and even situation.
For example, I have low want and high resistance to bars and nightclubs, but change the situation to a salsa club, then my want is high and resistance low.
Conclusion
Procrastination becomes particularly interesting when viewed through this model.
A person can be highly motivated and still go nowhere. Another person can move quickly with only a moderate level of motivation.
It also changes the kind of solution that makes sense.
Instead of assuming a person needs more pressure, it may make more sense to understand what is making action for them difficult in the first place.
What I also like about this model is we can understand why the want is so high or what’s causing the resistance.
I’ll be talking about that in future articles, so make sure to subscribe and you’ll learn both the want and resistance sides of your action and inaction.
