Why You Want People to Notice, Love, and Accept You So Badly
In the last post, I talked about loneliness and why it has such a powerful influence on human behavior.
As I explained, loneliness is not simply the experience of being alone. It's the pain that comes from a lack of the connection and contact that our minds and bodies have evolved to receive.
That pain does something very important.
It creates a yearning.
The Pain of Loneliness Creates a Yearning for Attention, Affection, and Approval
As well as a desire to be seen, heard, known, and to feel like we matter.
These yearnings are behind far more of your behavior than you realize. They influence what we buy, who we date, the career we pursue, and how hard we work.
You may think you're wanting more followers, a bigger house, or the attractive body, but what you're really seeking with those things is attention, affection, and approval (as well as to be seen, heard, known, and to matter).
Imagine someone with a strong yearning for approval. If growing up they learned achievement gives them praise, their mind begins to associate success with approval. This then creates a desire to accomplish, perform, and prove themselves.
Another person learns that physical attractiveness gets attention, so their mind develops a desire to look a certain way.
Someone else may have learned that being funny keeps people interested, so they become the person who is always entertaining everyone around them.
Although the wants and behaviors are different, the underlying yearning is the same.
This explains why being ignored can be surprisingly painful
Think about how you feel when the person you're talking to keeps looking at their phone.
Or when you send an important message and he or she doesn’t respond.
Nothing physically harmful has happened, but the response can feel like it did.
We go to extraordinary lengths to receive attention, affection, and approval just to avoid that response.
That includes talking loudly, telling dramatic stories, dressing certain way, interrupting, exaggerating, or making ourselves the center of attention.
Others pursue achievement, status, recognition, or positions that make them difficult to overlook.
While others will do risky things like drive recklessly, perform dangerous stunts, or start a fight. On the surface, these things seem irrational, but to the person doing them, it serves a purpose as it draws attention.
Even negative attention is more attractive than receiving no attention at all.
When you look at behavior from this perspective, actions that seem strange or excessive can make much more sense. The person is simply trying to satisfy a core human desire to be noticed and acknowledged.
The things we humans will do and how far we will go for attention, affection, and approval is amazing.
The Problem with Attention, Affection, and Approval
The main problem comes from what we learn we have to do in order to receive them.
A child might notice that Dad becomes especially proud when they get good grades. Over time, the child may begin associating achievement with approval and come to believe that succeeding is how they earn positive regard.
Another child may discover that Mom pays the most attention when he is acting up. Unknowingly, the child begins acting up, creating problems, and creating crisis simply because that’s the only way he receives attention.
Someone else may learn that being agreeable makes people like them, which can gradually lead to people pleasing.
Over time, these associations can become our mode of operation.
You are no longer thinking, "I need to do this so people will like me," but instead, you feel compelled to behave that way, and can’t stop the behavior even if you wanted.
Knowing this is important because we spend so much of our lives trying to satisfy a want, sometimes to the point of exhaustion, without understanding why we're even doing it.
Challenges of Attention, Affection, or Approval
In addition to the above, the need for attention, affection, and approval create many challenges.
1. Yearnings Never Go Away
One of the mistakes we make is assuming attention, affection, and approval work like accomplishing a goal. We imagine that once we receive them, we should be finished with the need.
Unfortunately, that is not how these yearnings work.
Think of yearnings like hunger. You can eat a big meal, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never become hungry again. Hunger returns because it performs an ongoing biological function that keeps you seeking something your body needs.
In the same way, receiving affection yesterday doesn't mean you won't want it tomorrow. Receiving approval from your boss doesn't mean you won't want it from a friend.
The yearning keeps showing up to make sure we're always around people.
2. Yearnings Create Stress
The second challenge is that the need for approval can create stress and anxiety.
Although we may not realize it, a part of our brain is always on guard to make sure we do things people like and not do anything they might dislike, or that might risk our ability to receive approval later.
So, we're always concerned with making sure people are perceiving us positively and in the best light.
3. Yearnings Lead to Pain
The third challenge is that when we don’t receive approval, we feel hurt, upset, and even sad. Not only that, but it can affect our self-esteem and self-worth.
It’s like, “I wanted this approval from this person, but they didn’t give it to me so I’m angry.”
All from something that doesn’t really have much meaning.
4. Yearnings Influence Behavior
The biggest challenge is that we don't necessarily do things we want or that bring us joy.
We put energy and effort into things that get people to like us versus things that bring us true happiness and fulfillment.
Those who are extremely sensitive to approval orchestrate their entire lives around getting it, from the career they choose, the people they date, and even how they act and behave.
Many people are constantly seeking the “Oh wow, this guy is doing this” or “She’s so great at that” factor.
Conclusion
By understanding attention, affection, and approval, you can look at your desires differently.
Instead of mindlessly chasing a want or desire as son as it comes up, you can question whether it will be enjoyable or worth pursuing.
Or if there is a better way to receive the attention, affection, and approval you're seeking.
